We all have time on our hands. Yes, even when we are the busiest people in the world - or at least in our own mind. Yet, there is time to breathe. There is time to redefine or reshape how the times of our lives will become the embodiment of the Spirit of God - the breath of life - the opening of possibility - the beginning of our entry into God's peaceable Reign. And yet, there are times when the time at hand and the time about to be is filled with expectations and demands that are able to take the breath out of us. Rather than breathe and relax - breathe and act with purpose - we breathe with hesitation - we take in anxious air and it never seems to leave. We breathe on top of our last breath - our breath does not create new life, it merely swirls around inside us without bringing refreshment and joy.
I too often want to control my very breath - even when my intention is to fall into the peacemaking ebb and flow of the very breath that is meant to sustain me. Sometimes there is no rest - no peacefulness. Inevitably though, I come to the realization that I do not control my breathing. For once I forget about breathing or begin to be blessed by a wandering mind, I realize that my breath never ceases. If it did - there would be no remembering - no life - no writing. Forgetting about having to breathe - having no control over that which is a gift - gives us a moment to experience the life that is breathing all around us. In looking up and looking around - in listening and taking note of the hymns being written by the everyday life around us, there is an abundance of peace. In looking up and ending our focus on our every breath, the time at hand is not about us - it becomes something more.
I think of Jesus on his way to a retreat - on his way to some intentional breathing space - he looks up and his life becomes full of the lives of others. There in the mess of things - seeing that which is and that which is not yet - miracles take place - the tightest places become wide open. The breath of God - the Spirit of God - the Spirit of life - never ceases. It is never reserved for a special place or time. It is the wind that is unstoppable - unseen - always nourishing. - even as we see ourselves losing control of our breath - our life.
Today I'm writing to myself. Actually, I always do. I try to remind myself of the presence of the holy - the life handed to each of us - the wonder of our humanity. But today, I know that I toss and turn because I am anxious about that which I cannot see - tomorrow - next week - next month - the next time I must consider opportunities and make choices. I know that I lay on those moments a subtle - maybe unknown - scale of evaluation. That scale is deadly. When used, I forget about breathing and taking in the day as it comes and I think more of taking control of the day. How will I be perceived? Who will take note of me - and how will they take note of me? Will there be success or failure? Will my life be recognized like the life of others? Note: I did not breathe while writing that last flash of ideas.
I know that I am afraid of saying Yes and then saying No - beginning to go in one direction and then turning and going in another. I want to know what is the right way - the healthy way - the most meaningful way. But the breath of God - the Spirit of Life - the wind of creation never ceases to change direct. That breath swirls and cuts through life and it is creative and refreshing. Yet as it swirls and cuts through life it can seem to be destructive - ruining everything. Therefore, I realize that I am to breathe in the moment - for we cannot breathe in a wind that is not yet at hand. Maybe for now I must let myself breath in the moment - enter it and let it be the time of peace that is eternally promised to all of us. And then, in the next breath - there will be more peace - though it may take the shape of another road - an unanticipated gust of life that I am free to claim - enjoy - and then, exhale so that I can be ready to breathe again. Come! Breath of God - Spirit of Life! Come - and blow me over with new life.
TRRR
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