When nothing seems left

In response to a discussion about suicide in our local paper, I wrote a letter to the editor about my personal journey on the pathway to suicide. It was not a road I ever expected to take. And yet, I know that road is always available for anyone to take at anytime. There are so many reasons people walk down that pathway. This post is not about all those reasons. It is more about the imagination it takes to accept the fact that the path is there and someone right next to me may already be on the way.

So I wrote about a time in my life as a pastor when it seemed as though this and then that and then something else was crumbling all around me. Was I to blame? More than likely I was a part of the grand picture - yes, a part. And yet, the picture was bigger than me. As I walked farther along this pathway that was leading into a hole that seemed to be overwhelming me I wondered about how I could get out of it all. Run away - not. Come out with caustic blame directed toward others - not. Simply continue within a downward swirl that could become the rest of my days - not.

As it turned out, I did not follow through with my plan. I had the dynamics of that day in place in my mind. I knew I could implement it at any time. A friend caught me in a backhanded comment within a cheap chuckle behind it and confronted me. Even though she was able to sense what were to be the next pages of my life, she simply reminded me that she was available without condition - anytime.

I wrote that letter to the editor as one who - for my reasons and in my situation - had contemplated killing myself. I wanted to hold up the fact that there are all sorts of people who wonder about the time when nothing seems left. My sister-in-law took her life while suffering within the landscape of her daily battle with bi-polar disease. That is not my story. I was depressed - distressed - disheartened. I hear those voices in people all around me.

After the letter was published, only a few people commented about it. Most of those were positive comments laced with a bit of thankfulness. Recently I heard that my letter was a conversation piece in a congregation. "How could a 'man of God' even think of such a thing?" Well folks, it is always the beloved children of God who take their own lives - for none of us are outside that embrace. That embrace is never withheld because of what we are able or not able to do in life.

None of us can know how another is experiencing life unless we enter into their lives and become available and vulnerable friends and neighbors and - even strangers. When nothing seems left, it may be that all of us need to lean into one another and walk with each other and take the hand of the other and help us all become mindful of one thing - we are the beloved of God. That will not prevent someone from suicidal thoughts or actions. It may simply provide a moment of peace from which we enter into the life that is possible - a reminder of the life still at hand - when nothing seems left.