I was not slated to go to college - neither was my younger brother. In the last decade of my mother's life we talked quite a bit. She told me that in my father's mind the eldest son goes to college. The others were to find work, as he did, in the steel industry or something like that. It is through my mother's storytelling that I learned a bit about sacrifice. She and my father both worked full-time jobs. We had enough and more. We did not live out beyond our means. We did not have the lives of others we knew. All the boys went to college - it became an expectation for everyone of my friends - almost the way one was to move farther along in life.
The sacrifice was in a long drawer under a built-in china cabinet in our dining room. All I remember of the contents of that drawer was that it was filled with papers and ledgers. On occasion I would see my mother open the drawer and sit down and be busy. She was - I eventually understood - the financial person in the house. She paid the bills and kept an eye on the resources my parents had. She always was good with numbers and every job she held had some connection to bookkeeping and finances.
With my mother's understanding of my father's thoughts about college, that drawer became the roadway that would take all three boys to college. For years - I don't even know how long - she put money aside. My father did not have an understanding of all that activity - or maybe he did but let my mom do whatever she could. I am so glad that I had a dad who was content with what we had and seemed fulfilled serving in hometown politics after he got off from his job at Inland Steel. He would daily go down to the corner store/bar and have one beer and talk politics. That contentment and his self-assured nature made it possible for my mom to move funds - put funds aside - help us have the few pleasures of a few vacations as we grew up.
This brings me to sacrificial love within a family. Sometimes - for the well-being of those we love - we step back and make sure the others are given space to grow and explore and step into the beginning of their future with whatever tools it will take to go there. Sacrificial love happens. Sacrificial love is different from love that has the means to spread out the wealth without any threat of loss. Sacrificial love understands that there may be consequences to one's own life if this kind of love is manifest. It also understands that there need be no paybacks. There is no need to prove one's worth because the sacrifice that is taking place is already the understanding that the beloved is worthy. That's powerful.
We are expected to love our families - to care for them - to support them - to nurture them. And yet, this is no different from tribalism in which we are taught to protect and conserve the tribe - fight for the tribe - do whatever is needed to secure the well-being of the tribal members. We can be involved in this kind of tribal love and it will make for a good home life and the shaping of a strong future. I must say that it also is the kind of love that leads to wars - to battles - to bias and bigotry - to segregation and separation. We so love those who are in our family that we will do whatever is necessary to make our family - our tribe - have the life we want for ourselves. Again, this is a good love in that it preserves things - it keeps groups of people afloat - it builds that which is seen as necessary to ward off any attempt by others to disturb the life we are building.
Sacrificial love is not tribal. It is quite different. It is the love envisioned in the wilderness of Sinai. This was a love that would take care of the outsider by sharing resources - welcoming the stranger - because that is how this new kind of tribe would define its life. Sacrificial love is able to expand itself beyond the boundaries of my kind and my people and my family. It is not a love that works to establish one group over and against another. It stretches the notion of family or tribe so that the boundaries disappear so that more than my kind or my family or my tribe is given life. There is no need to judge what other have or have not done in order to let this kind of love flow.
That drawer in the dining room is embedded in my mind. From that drawer - at least for me - my dad had the freedom to be a public servant and seek the welfare of people in Ward 2. My mother then - after years of getting us through school, had the freedom to serve on the school board and be a part of the development of a multi-district career center. Both of them sacrificed within their own lives so that our tribe would have enough. Both of them sacrificed their time and energy so that more than our family would have a life possibly better than they had previously.
We must remember that sacrificial love begins right now. It is how we view the lives of others. When we go tribal there is little chance that we will act with love that is willing to sacrifice for those we are often fooled into thinking we must destroy or ignore or punish.
I really find that one is able to take part in sacrificial love for any and all when we are blessed with the gift of humility. For within the acts of sacrificial love we will find the need to bend and bow - we will find ourselves washing the feet of those we simply do not understand - we will face the name-calling and the threats - we will not care what we are losing but we will be able to see others gaining a new life. This week I rephrased a short part of the letter to the Philippians: The Messiah has humbled himself and become obedient unto death - even death by lynching. Sacrificial love will be a love even when it is hated and despised and misunderstood. But for those who live within that love - there is always a drawer full of more love to be shared and more love to be offered and more love to go around for any and all.
TRRR
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