My records show that Friday's devotion did not go out even though I recall what I wrote about the piece by Bonhoeffer. Odd what stress and grief can do to one's memory. So today we continue with obedience and believing and the strange tension in which we find ourselves.
Only the obedient believe. A concrete commandment has to be obeyed, in order to come to believe. A first step of obedience has to be taken, so that faith does not become pious self-deception, cheap grace. The first step is crucial. It is qualitatively different from all others that follow. The first step of obedience has to lead Peter away from his nets and out of the boat; it has to lead the young man away from his wealth. Faith is possible only in this new state of existence created by obedience.
My mother died and we buried her ashes this past June. It was an observable fact - she was no longer at the other end of the phone - her e-mail would bring no reply - the house was up for sale. Usually people will say, "Life must go on!" But does life go on if there is dis-belief? I suppose another way to ask that question is "What kind of life goes on when we try to live within dis-belief?" This weekend up in Cleveland - my first trip back up to the hometown - was a clear situation of dis-belief and I didn't even know I was living in that empty place. Life...was going forward...wasn't it? And yet, much to my surprise, in some way I was trying to live without stepping forward into new life. I have been living as though death was not real and life could be as it always has been. If you would have asked me that a week ago I would have disagreed and said I have stepped beyond that power of death. But with tears flowing as freely as the rain falling on the umbrella as I stood at the grave of my father and mother, I realized that I wasn't only holding onto that umbrella. I was holding onto what was...I was holding onto my mother. I was staying in the boat. I was clutching onto my prized possession. I was living in dis-belief - un-faith. In other words, I was attempting to live as though I was in control of life - of what is and what was and what will be.
Jesus invites me - and all of us - to take that step into new life where Jesus is Lord, even when we don't think we need to be stepping anywhere at all! How am I to take the next steps in following Jesus after my mother's death if I have not been willing to take the first one. I was holding on so tightly to what was, my body is literally sore today - two days after that gravesite visit. Saying good bye in the middle of that gravesite rain has made me realize how hard it is to let go of what is so beloved and risk what will come.
The promise is for new life. The new life will be just that..."new." What I will need to learn along the way is how I will view this great gift given to me in my mother even as I go ahead and follow the one who calls me into a life I have yet experience. Dis-belief is not easily turned into belief. It takes a real step...a real turning...a real release. Then, in that new life the promise is for life that will bring forth life beyond my control and expectations. That is a helpful way for me to understand just how my mother will be returned to me - fresh, new, a gift that only comes as I let go and take the next steps within the Reign that is promised today and always.
Connection: The discipline of stepping is not always easy. It is always necessary. I wonder what will be within the next steps that will be taken today. What will yours be?
Come, Lord, Jesus, and be the life that brings peace in the midst of the storms that rage around us even when we are unaware of their presence. Amen.
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